After 2 months of living the small bubble of my home during lockdown, I am now finding a growing apprehension to being released back into the world.
It has taken only a short amount of time for my mind to be settle into a new limited world and now I fear how I will cope with the many loud noises and voices of the world.
In these long weeks, I have been able to control the pressure that is placed on me. I have been able to dictate who I talk to, how I work and recovered lost time from a daily commute.
I have found freedom in the headspace that has emerged after all the clutter of the world was forced to die down. I have thrived as I lose myself in my own thoughts and discover that creativity has found me again.
No longer rushing from place to place or trying to fill a day to the brim, my mind and body is no longer trapped in some pinball machine – too reactive to the stimuli of life. I have been able to grasp onto gratitude and emotions of positivity that may have once been shoved from my mind to make space for the never ending to-do list or intrusive worries.
I feel safer in this slow world. I am comforted by the quiet and the calm.
Fear of missing out has lots it’s power. There are no appearances to keep up with. We can relax. In fact, a survey conducted by UCL showed that after the initial shock and adjust of being locked down, our wellbeing has risen over the past few weeks.
I do not want to return to the old normal. I have grown accustomed to this quite life. This slower life. And I am worried that opening my door to the world will be like releasing the flood gates as all the chatter and opinions and noise fill my senses, blocking out my own thoughts.
I also appreciate our lowered expectations. Because we are stuck at home, there is no assumed need to make every moment a joyous one or a productive one. I am relieved to find that I do not have to attempt to fill each moment as though it were my last. We are doing what we can, when we can, in our time and to our own idea of what is right for the moment.
Will I continue to let to be guided by my own compass?
Will I be able to reconnect with what I need? And not what I think I need bases on the input of so many others?
I am scared to lose this quiet. To lose this time for reflection. To find that all the space has been taken up with meetings, gossip or politics.
I must protect this. I must find a way to only allow back the part of the world that I can find peace in.
Let us all find a way to hold this peace inside us. We must remember that we can make the ultimate decision as to how we would like our lives after lockdown to be.
Our reset priorities must be remembered. And our new found values should be used as a guide as to where we go from here.
I know I am not alone in the community spirit we have felt and I know that many share my love affair with the silence and stillness of this house bound journey.
It is almost as though our old way of life was dulling our senses… keeping us in a reactive state of survival. When all the while, all we needed was each other and a restored faith in humanity.
All of sudden, humanity has a new patience for one another – a compassion, understanding and empathy that has not always been easy to find before this change.
Why is it that we must always wait for the darkest times in order to the see the brightest light?
So for now I will continue to lockdown. Except now, inside of the world needing protection from me and what I might carry… I shall protect myself and my peace from the quickening pace of the world.